The good news: As of today, we are 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The risk for miscarriage at this point is miniscule. I have symptoms galore, including nausea lasting all day, fatigue beyond belief, and huge painful boobs. I've even developed an obvious case of pregnancy brain, becoming much more scatter-brained and forgetful than normal. I have an increased sense of smell (about 5 minutes ago, I could smell the shampoo of a girl who walked by my office...not IN my office, BY it.) I've been having incredibly bizarre and vivid dreams, including getting into a sword fight with Jason Bateman, and my father growing a shark's head. I'm even developing a little pooch in my lower abdomen, right above the pelvic bone. I mean, I can SEE it growing. The proof is right there.
The bad news: There is none.
So WHY, pray tell, am I so freakin' paranoid??? Why am I fearing the absolute worst at every waking moment? If I am lucky enough to have a reprieve from the nausea, I get nervous that the pregnancy is ending. If I feel my abdomen and it doesn't seem bigger, or if I look in the mirror and I can't really see a difference in my breast size any more, I assume it's all over. Every time I go to the bathroom, I assume there's going to be blood when I wipe. Every time I feel a slight round ligament twinge, I assume it's the beginning of severe cramping and I'm starting to lose the baby. The stress is killing me, and I KNOW it's not good for the baby. I am trying to calm myself down, and be confident that this is a healthy pregnancy, and our baby is safe and sound. At night, I sleep with my hands on my abdomen and try to think soothing, comforting thoughts, coaxing the baby into staying put in its cozy little home. But then by the next day, the paranoia starts all over again, and I start to doubt that there's actually a baby in there at all.
I think we got spoiled by our RE. Looking back, we had a doctor's appointment on average once every 5 days, and between blood tests and ultrasounds, we always knew exactly what was going on inside me. Well our last ultrasound was on Christmas Eve, and we don't go to our first appointment with the OB/GYN 'til the 29th. That's 5 whole weeks of being in the dark. I just want to see that heartbeat again, to hear it. We even purchased a Doppler fetal heart monitor, and it came in the mail Monday night. Of course, at 8 1/2 weeks, it was way too early to hear anything. So we put it away on a shelf in the bathroom, and told ourselves we'll try again next week. But honestly, I doubt I'll be able to wait that long.
I hate myself like this. I hate that I can't just be giddy and excited and savoring every moment. Because the thing is, I love being pregnant, and I love the fact that we are going to be mommies in about 7 months. I already love this baby with all my heart, and can't bear the thought of anything bad happening to it. I just wish my head would shut up for awhile and let my heart do the thinking for once.