Okay...we can breathe now.

So with all this obsessing over baby stuff, I have completely neglected the other aspect to this blog, and that is our big move.

As mentioned, we found a place to live a few weeks ago in Worcester. Now, all we had to do was find someone to rent our condo. Since we can't sell right now, we have decided to rent out our place, and use that to help pay for the mortgage. Originally, a good friend of ours definitely wanted to rent our place, but couldn't commit until she got a firm job offer from Chicago Public Schools. CPS kept telling her, "we'll let you know." This started back in April, when they told her they'd let her know in May. May came around, and they told her they'd let her know in June. Today is June 30th, and they still haven't told her whether or not she has the job. And as frustrating as that has been for us, I can't even imagine how annoyed she must be. That's CPS for you. Although, that's a whole 'nother story.

So, as much as we'd prefer to rent to a friend, someone we knew and trusted, we just couldn't wait anymore. We needed to list the place. We told our friend and she completely understood. So last week we told our friends on Facebook, put a listing on craigslist, and put fliers up all over Andersonville.

Well, long story short, we got renters! They're this really sweet married couple that fell in love with the place when they came to see it yesterday, and really loved all the work we did on the place (thank you very much!). We did a credit check this morning, which they passed with flying colors, so I just emailed a copy of the lease over to them. They will move in August 1st, 2 days after we move out.

I can't believe how smoothly this has worked out. We were really starting to get stressed out, which, you know, isn't very good for that other little project we're working on. So, now we can breathe at least one sigh of relief.

And now we wait.

Yesterday was IUI #2 of this cycle. I am happy to say it went much more smoothly than the day before. The doctor did it again, I guess they wanted to cut to the chase, anticipating another rough one. It took all of 30 seconds. Also happy to say we had excellent sperm counts this month. Wednesday's sample was 69%, 52 million post thaw motility. Thursday's was 63%, 50 million. Yea for super-swimmers!

So now, let the 2 week wait commence. We are trying our hardest not to think about it, which is a pretty unrealistic attempt. How do you put something out of your mind that you are shaping your whole life around? No drinking alcohol, no coffee, no coke because you may be pregnant. But don't think about it! Daily doses of estrogen, progesterone, prenatals, and folic acid because you may be pregnant. But don't think about it! No strenuous excercise, no heavy lifting, no stress or anxiety because you may be pregnant. But don't think about it! Summer celebrations and visits with friends, the Pride Parade, Taste of Chicago, 4th of July...where they will inevitably notice a lack of "celebrating"...but don't think about it, and certainly don't talk about it!! It's impossible to live your life normally during the 2ww, where your whole life revolves around a remote possibility, a question mark.

But we do it, again and again and again.

IUI Try #2: The Brick Wall

So the first of 2 IUIs was this morning, and it definitely did not go as smoothly as I would have liked. Apparently I have a very stubborn cervix, because the nurse could not get the catheter in. She tried for about 10 minutes, poking and prodding around my nether regions, but to no avail. So she excused herself and went to get another nurse, to see if she could have any success. Nurse #2 tried and tried...a bit too roughly I might add, but again, no luck. So she left to find the doctor, because surely he would be able to get through my brick wall. Mind you, this entire time I am lying on the table with my feet in the stirrups, positioned for all the world to see my business any time someone new wanted to come into the room.

The doctor finally came in and apparently was determined to get this bad boy in, because he kept murming and muttering under his breath the whole time, as if he were fighting some sort of battle he refused to lose.

FINALLY, he got in, let loose the swimmers, and all was right with the world again. He explained to me that my cervix is crooked, and that we should hope very much that we are successful with IUIs, because graduating (or is it being demoted?) to IVF would be a very complicated process for me. "I wouldn't want to damage those fragile embryos by trying to force them through your cervix" is how the doctor put it. So I would have to have my cervix dilated surgically each time, which would certainly NOT be fun.

So, here's to hoping we end our journey with IUI, because as much as I am not looking forward to repeating today's ordeal again tomorrow, it is a much less invasive option than IVF would have in store for me.

And We're Off!

Back at the RE this morning for yet another ultrasound and more bloodwork. This time, however, there were only 3 mature follicles (much more sane than the seven from last month). They could tell from my LH levels that I am most likely about to ovulate, so they gave me a prescription for the hcg trigger shot, told me to administer it right away, and come back bright and early tomorrow for my IUI.

Stacey was at work, so this shot thing was going to have to be up to me. Giving myself the shot was weird. I did okay I guess, but I definitely took a minute or two psyching myself up for it. I really, really, really hope that this was the one and only time I had to do it. It's not the sort of thing I particularly want to become good at.

So tomorrow morning at 7:30 I have an IUI, then I come back 24 hours later for the second IUI. I am really excited of course, but sad that Stacey can't be there. She has to be at work by 9am, and it takes her an hour and a half to get there. It feels weird that she won't be there for the insemination. In spirit, though, she will definitely be there in spirit.

right back on that horse

Today is day two of this brand new cycle, so Stacey dropped me off at the doctor's once again on her way in to work. Once again, I had my plumbing checked with the oh-so-embarrassing dildo-cam. Once again, I had my blood drawn (my right elbow is starting to resemble a well-worn dartboard).

Now is the part where I wait for the phone call from the nurse to tell me we are all systems a-go, I go pick up my prescriptions for clomid and estrogen, and get told when I can go in for my follow up ultrasound, probably about a week from now.

I am becoming a pro at this game, which (believe me) is not something I am proud of.

Perspective

Yesterday was a pretty hard day, I'm not going to lie. I was an emotional basket case all day. I think I cried (sobbed) about 8 times. The icing on the cake was when we went to see Up, in an effort to lift our spirits. Well there was a montage about 5 minutes in that was so very touching, and halfway through that there was a sequence that hit a bit too close to home. I lost my marbles, and starting sobbing once again. Fortunately, the sad part was over within the first ten minutes, and the rest of the movie did its job...we were laughing throughout and our spirits were definitely lifted. It felt nice to laugh after such a devastating day.

I feel much better about our life today than I did yesterday, but it's certainly not because a silly movie made me smile. I just had a hard, cold splash of reality knock me out of my pity party and get a bit of perspective.

Yesterday, a childhood friend of mine told me he and his family were going through a rough time right now. Turns out, his wife (who is my age) has cancer. They just found out, and she is prepping for chemo and radiation. They have 3 kids under the age of 6.

I immediately went from thinking "35 is way too old" to "35 is way too young".

I went from wondering what the hell is wrong with me to being grateful I am so healthy.

I went from being jealous of everyone who had kids to being worried sick about those three boys.

I went from thinking "why not?" for me to "why?" for somebody else.

Suddenly, I am thankful for everything Stacey and I have, not pining for something we don't. And I realized how much this BFN is not a tragedy, and our problems are not so catastrophic.

Nothing like a little perspective, huh?

Thanks for playing.

The blood test resulted in a big fat negative. I'll write more tomorrow when I pull myself back together. Right now, I just need some... I don't know. I just need something and writing ain't it.

0 for 2

Tested again this morning. Still negative. I gotta admit, my confidence about this blood test tomorrow is starting to waiver.

Impatience and Insomnia

It's 4 in the morning, and I can't sleep a wink. I am dying to test today. It's 12 days since the IUI, and any trace of the hcg trigger shot should be gone. And I don't want to jinx anything, but I have a really good feeling about this month. Since last Thursday I've been feeling a very localized pinchy-pokey feeling in the left-center of my abdomen. Coupled with the fact that I had some light pink spotting yesterday and the night before, and I'm really hoping it is what I think it is.

We are scheduled to go in for our blood test on Friday morning, but there's no way in hell I can wait that long. Neither of us can. So I think this is it. In a few hours (we'll wait for the sun to come up at least), I will pee on a stick.

Fingers crossed!!

**5:48am. BFN...for now.

Welcome to Wustah!

We just got home from our apartment-hunting trip to Worcester, MA. After sifting through hundreds of craigslist ads, making dozens of phone calls, and seeing about 12 places, we finally made a decision and picked a place. Or should I say, the place picked us.

We were just about settled on a beautiful 2 bedroom flat up in Greendale, on the third floor of a triple-decker, on the top of an enormous hill overlooking all of Worcester. I am not exagerrating when I say the view was breath-taking. I literally gasped. However, the landlord was iffy about the dog. He agreed to take him after we promised he wouldn't be a problem (which in all honesty isn't entirely true. The dog can be a little shit sometimes). Anyway, he agreed to the dog. We were thrilled, drove back to the realty office with our agent, and gave him the deposit. He did tell us though, that we could still change our minds and get the deposit back.

After we left, we were tempted to cancel our next appointment which was to see a little 2-bedroom that was in walking distance to UMASS. But, what the hell, we thought, seeing one more won't hurt. So we reluctantly went to see this place.

We walked in, and immediately, Stacey and I looked at each other, and we knew. This was our home. Cozy, warm and charming, with 2 bedrooms, a huge kitchen, french doors, old-fashioned built-ins, an enclosed front porch and (best of all) a large semi-enclosed yard with a beautiful old oak tree in the middle. We can grill, sit at a picnic table, the dog can run around...it's perfect! Trust me, when you're used to a small cramped apartment with no yard or private deck, these things are huge! We were sold.

We told our agent for the place on the hill we weren't going to take it, and in all honesty it was a relief. Now we don't have to worry about our dog being a dog...the landlord for the cozy place loves dogs, she even said we could put up a dog run in the yard for him!

So now we are back in Chicago, anxiously awaiting our big move east to our new home! Seven weeks to go!!!